The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid complications we open with enter a human being.
in a trash can
Comley: My name is Ned Comley. I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in Arlington, but the police moved me on. One morning in May, I was going through an old trshcan, when my valet announced a visitor.
Valet: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you.
Comley: Right, Valet. Put my lunch back in the trash can and send him in.
Valet: This way, sir.
Mullet: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Comley. Allow me, my card.
Comley: My card.
Mullet: Now, my friend, to business. My name is Mullet. Have you ever heard of Russian Collusion?
Comley: There's no one of that name here.
Mullet: Yikes! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the Isle of Ewe the dreaded Russian Collusion struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, Russian Collusion had destroyed the entire population!
Comley: What a splendid story.
Mullet: As I was saying, Russian Collusion, Russian Collusion could easily destroy the entire human race!
Comley: Mullet, why are you telling me all this?
Mullet: Why? Yesterday, Russian Collusion claimed its first victim in Washington...
Comley: Ha-Ha. You jest.
Mullet: I jest what?
Comley: You just said that Russian Collusion just claimed its first victim in Washington.
Mullet: Yikes, Yikes! How can you joke when Russian Collusion threatens? Sit down while I tell you a tale. Last night, last night, my dear Comley, I was a passenger on a bus in Washington.
Comley: You reckless New Yorker, you!
Mullet: Touche. The bus was passing the Congressional Fire Station, all as normal …..
Conductor: Any more fares, please, White House next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo.
Concerned Local 1: What to do with him?
Conductor: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Ooooo Yakka Boo.
Local 2: 'Ere, loosen his collar.
Conductor: What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo.
Local 1: Stop the bus! Stop it...
Conductor: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo.
Northerner 2: Give him air!
Northerner 1: Stand back now!
Conductor: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo...
Mullet: Not a pretty sight!
Comley: Good Heavens! What happened then?
Mullet: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Hospital Emergency Department.
Comley: And then?
Mullet: And then...well, listen:
Conductor: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see what you're bothered about at all ya see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo.
Doctor: Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in. [Conductor inhales] Breathe out.
Comley: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo.
Doctor: Must you? Now breathe in again.
Conductor: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo.
Doctor: Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo.
Conductor: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo...
Nurse: Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo...
Mullet: And that is my tale Comley. In six weeks America could be destroyed by Russian Collusion and that includes you!
[Whoosh, followed by closing trash can lid]
Mullet: Come out of that trash can, Comley!
Comley: [Within can] I'm watching television!
Mullet: Come out!
[Trashcan lid being lifted noisily]
Comley: Oh please, please, I... I don't know anything about Russian Collusion.
Mullet: Supristi! I will tell you all about Russian Collusion.
Comley: Then you cure it.
Mullet: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, you and you alone, will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, Sir Robert Fleming and now you!
Comley: I agree. But what's Russian Collusion got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?
Mullet: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article...
[Paper being rustled]
Comley: " Will any doctor with knowledge of Russian Collusion please communicate with Dr. Hercules Andy McAbe"!
Mullet: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man to save the nation from the dreaded Russian Collusion.
Comley: Yes, but I...
Mullet: A Medal, position, riches - Money!
[Whoosh, door closes]
[Picks up phone, dials]
Mullet: Hello? Ah, Dr. Andy McAbe? Ah, listen, Andy. Mullet here. Yes. He's just left, he's on his way to you now. Yes. [laughs] Yes.
[Knocking on door]
Andy: Come in!
Comley: Dr. Andy McAbe?
Andy: The same.
Comley: My name is Ned Comley.
Andy: Really! Now, what can I do for you?
Comley: I've come to help fight Russian Collusion. First Benjamin Franklin, Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie and now me!
Andy: You silly twisted boy, you. What are your qualifications?
Comley: I was struck off the Medical Rolls twice.
Andy: You can only be struck off the Rolls once.
Comley: That'll give you some idea of my importance.
Andy: Then you're our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12 hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by Russian Collusion...
Comley: [Gulps] We must move fast.
Andy: What do you suggest?
Comley: South America?
Andy: No, no, no. You are the one man who can save the USA.
Comley: Yes, yes. First John Quincy Adams, Marylin Munroe, Richard Nixon and now me!
Andy: Now, Comley, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. Once there -
Comley: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
Andy: Please don't do that. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment Russian Collusion is confined to Washington. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All the Russian Collusion victims must be sent to New York...
Comley: One moment, Dr. Andy. If you know the cure for Russian Collusion why don't you have the Medal and the riches?
Andy: I can't. You see, I'm married.
Comley: Oh, I'm, I'm terribly sorry.
Andy: No Comley my boy. It must be you.
Comley: Yes I suppose it must...
Comley: First Joe Louis then Call Me Madam, Marlin Brando and now me.
Andy: Come Comley, off to the Councile Medicale.
Clapper: Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of the American Medical Association! Now then, I've got you out of bed because I want you to hear about this Russian Collusion rumor, what their all doing their nut about in Washington. Here's the speaker, Dr, err...
Comley: Comley: Ned Comley...
Clapper: OK! Carry on!
Comley: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?
Bannon: What is Russian Collusion? [Thumps of something solid being hit against wood (Bannon screams) followed by shutting door]
Comley: Any more questions? Now my plan is to set up Yakka-Bool Centres in Washington...
Bannon: I'm asking a polite, civilian question. What is Russian Collusion?
Pence: That's another thing I want to know! What is Russian Collusion?
Bannon: What is Russian Collusion?
Pence: Shut up.
Bannon: Shut up.
Obama: Shut up.
Bannon: You shut up!
Obama: What is lurji?
Bannon: What is Russian Collusion - I've just asked that question, buddy...
Obama: Then why didn't you say so?
Bannon: I did say so.
Obama: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking again.
Bannon: Well anyhow, what is Russian Collusion, eh?
Obama: One question at a time.
Bannon: It was only one question.
Obama: But I've already asked that question.
Bannon: Thank you. Thank you Dr Comley, thank you.
Obama: Goodnight, goodnight Dr
Comley: Dr? Gad, he looks different in pyjamas...
Obama: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the Russian Collusion victims at Yakka-Bool Centres in Arlington.
Bannon: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy?
[Telephone rings, picked up]
Andy (on other end): You have arranged a charity concert at the White House in aid of the Russian Collusion Distress Fund.
Comley: Yes, yes that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Russian Collusion Distress Fund.
Bannon: Bravo! Bravo!
CNN: Part Two. A Charity Concert at the White House in aid of the Russian Collusion Distress Fund.
Comley: Thank you Opra, thank you. And next in this concert we have imported by permission of Mullet a great continental tenor, Jovani Sulphoney.
[Enthusiastic applause, cheers, whistles]
Sulphoney: Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road".
Orchestra: [Grand and lengthy introduction]
Sulphoney (sings): I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road, all day.
Mullet (over music): I'll give him the signal now.
Sulphoney: I travel the road... Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo! Comley: Mullet, Mullet, the singer! He's got the Russian Collusion! Help! Run for your lives! Russian Collusioniiii!
[Tapping on metallic trash can]
Andy: For the last time, come out of that trash can.
Comley: [Inside bin] Leave me alone, I don't want to catch Russian Collusion.
Andy: There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure.
[Dustbin lid being opened]
Comley: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure?
Andy: Now sit down Neddy and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Senate. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous quinsequonces of this dreaded Russian Collusion...
Comley: But, but, what's the cure?
Andy: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them...
[Time passing-type harp link]
CNN: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Senate is debating important affairs of state. [Coughs]
McCain: Err, who's, who's responsible for the drains in Arizona? And, may I ask why.....they have not been cleaned....in the last.....century?
Cast: Here, here.
Feinstein: They are, they were, cleaned last December.
Politician: Here, here.
Politician: Isn't it, isn't it time.....they.....were cleaned..........again?
Politician: Well done!
Politician: Impossible! They've not been put back again yet.
CNN: The fierce debate was at its height when past the speakers chair crept a trash can, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung off!
[Dustbin lid hits floor]
Comley: Honourable members! I have some important news concerning Russian Collusion. First of all...
Politician: What is...
Politician: Rubbish, get out, he's a Democrat.
Politician: He's a Democrat!
Politician: Speak up.
Comley: First of all, I must ask you all to lie on the floor.
Gowdy: Rubbish. I've never heard of such twaddle. Who are you sir?
Comley: My name is Ned Comley.
Comley: Now, Russian Collusion threatens us all.
Bannon: What is Russian Collusion?!
Comley: Russian Collusion , Russian Collusion is the most dreadful malady known to mankind.
Comley: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the USA.
Comley: Now Gentlemen, Gentlemen, Washington is already affected...
Comley: At this very moment more and more people are contracting Russian Collusion.
[Shouts of shock]
Politician: A terrible state of affairs!
Politician: Is there any known cure for Russian Collusion?
Comley: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I discovered that all victims had one thing in common.
Cast: What is it?
Politician: Out with it man! Out with it!
Comley: None of them play golf.
Cast: Good Heavens Incredible. Amazing.
Gowdy: One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing golf one is immune for Russian Collusion?
Gowdy: Hmmm. Anthony, give me a wedge, would you?
CNN: Following the dramatic disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Ned Comley has been put in full charge of the Anti-Russian Collusion Campaign.
Mullet: ...You will need to order 200 million golf 5 irons.
Comley: That's going to cost something isn't it?
Mullet: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!
Andy: If you can save the USA from Russian Collusion the government won't mind the expenditure.
Comley: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, George Bush and Alice...
Andy: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you.
Comley: Yes, ha-ha...
Andy: 200 million golf 5 irons. Well, here's the list, sign here, lad.
Mullet: And send it to Cushion PPS, the well known golf club makers.
CNN: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks Cushion PPS had received 50 million dollars in golf club orders. They delivered them to some 303 million 7 irons to No Sweat Airlines
[Large plane motors running]
Comley (over noise): What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the bilges with the life saving golf clubs. Well done, Cushion PPS. Now, where is that Major Nickleson? It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Major Nickleson?
Comley: Major Nickleson.
Nickleson: Err, Major Nickleson.
Comley: You will be parachuted into Minnesota with your caddie, the object being to instruct the Russian Collusion victims in the use of these new 7 irons.
Nickleson: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Caddie into the plane, quick march, chocks away, good luck!
[Doors shut and planes take off]
Comley: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off towards California, soon it will all be over, Russian Collusion conquered by me!
FOX NEWS: And now here's the news. Today in Congress questions were asked regarding the dropping of some 300 million golf clubs on many cities across the USA late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the treasury well over 2.5 billion dollars. As a result income tax will now be 110 cents in the dollar. FBI are trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-existent disease called Russian Collusion. He is reported to have last been seen...
Andy: Switch it off.
Mullet: Yes, yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's $15,000 for you, 2.4 billion for me, 6 million for me and then for the...
[Door opened abruptly]
Comley: [Out of breath] Ah! Ah, there you are!
Andy: It's little Neddy.
Comley: I say, have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as Russian Collusion.
Andy: No such disease as Russian Collusion? And you went to the Senate and told them there was!? Oh dear!
Comley: Eh? You told me to tell them! I mean...
Andy (Mullet counting money behind): Tooth brush, change of underwear, yes, got the plane tickets?
Comley: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as Russian Collusion, isn't there? [laughs nervously] You told me there was! Didn't you, I mean...
Taxi Driver: Oh pardon me, the car's waiting for Mr. Cushion and Mr. PPS to take them to the airport.
Comley: Wait! Your the singer from the White House! You've got Russian Collusion! Run for your life! Russian Collusion! Wait a minute, Mr.Cushion and Mr. PPS?
Andy: Yes, that's our business name. We make golf clubs, you know.
Comley: You must have made a fortune! You...
Andy: Let me tell you a tale. First Albert Wiggin, Bernie Madoff, and now Muggins. Good-bye.
Comley: Muggins? Who, who's Muggins? [sobs] Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo...