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THE TRUTH BEHIND URANIUM ONE


Reconstruction from trusted and confidential FBI sources.


With attributions to Spike Millican and the Goons.



SCENE: A large apartment in The Kremlin
Bahamas: My name is Ned Bahamas.
Sergi: What a memory you have!
Bahamas: I've, er... I've come to move the uranium.
Sergi: [Laughs maniacally, stopping suddenly] Come in.
Bahamas: [Laughs similarly, but longer, stopping just as suddenly] Thanks.
Vladhere: [interrupts] Oh, we appear to have company.
Sergi: Ha ha ha ha ha. This gentleman has come in answer to your advertisement.
Vladhere: Oh, how lovely! Come in, sit down.
Bahamas: Thank you.
Vladhere: Have a vodka.
Bahamas: No thanks... I'm trying to give them up.
Vladhere: Splendid for you! Now, Neddie, here's the money for moving the uranium. There you are: five dollars in tens.
Bahamas: Five dollars for moving a uranium? Ha ha ha! This is money for old rope.
Vladhere: Is it? I'd have thought you'd have bought something more useful.
Bahamas: No, no. I have simple tastes... Now, where is this uranium?
Vladhere: All in good time, Neddy. Now first, will you sign this contract, in which you guarantee to move the uranium from one room to another for five dollars.
Bahamas: Of course I'll sign. Have you any ink?
Vladhere: Here's a fresh bottle.
Bahamas: [gulp] Gad! I was thirsty.
Vladhere: Now Neddy, please just sign the contract.
Bahamas: Certainly. [scribbles] Ned Bahamas. AGG
Sergi: What's AGG for?
Bahamas: For the kiddies to ride on.
Vladhere: Are you sure you won't have a vodka?
Bahamas: No thanks, I've just put one out.
Vladhere: I see.
Bahamas: Now, which room is this uranium in?
Vladhere: It's erm... It's in Utah.
Bahamas: Strange taste you have.
Vladhere: We refer to Utah, USA.
Bahamas: What what what what what what what what what what? You mean the uranium's in America?
Vladhere: Yes.
Bahamas: Ahhh! I've been tricked! Yahhahh!
[Thud]
Sergi: For the benefit of people without television... He's fainted.
Vladhere: Don't waste time. Open his jacket...
Sergi: Right!
Vladhere: ...And take the weight of his pocket book off his chest.
Sergi: Aha!
Vladhere: Found anything?
Sergi: Yes. A signed photograph of Neddy Bahamas, a press cutting from the NYT, a false birth certificate, a CD of his wife mowing the lawn and a photograph of Nairobi.
Vladhere: He's still out cold. See if this brings him round.
[coin dropped on floor]
Bahamas: Thank you, ladies! [Sings] Comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys. Sharing... [Stops singing] Ah oh ooh oh ooh! Where am I?
Vladhere: Russia.
Bahamas: What number?
Vladhere: 7A. Have a Vodka.
Bahamas: No, they hurt my throat.
Vladhere: Oh, naughty Vodkas.
Bahamas: Wait! Now I remember... You've trapped me into bringing back uranium from Utah for only five pounds.
Vladhere: You signed the contract, Neddy. Now get that uranium [voice changes to serious] or we sue you for breach of contract.
Bahamas: Owww!
[Door rattled] Vladhere: Gad, Sergi! If he brings that uranium back we shall be well in the money. That uranium must be worth at least ten million dollars.
Sergi: How do you know?
Vladhere: I've seen its bank book. That is the very uranium America got from Khazistan.
Sergi: No wonder we lost it.
Vladhere: Yes. With all that moolah we can have a wonderful slap-up holiday in Kenya.
Vladhere and Sergi (singing): April in Kenya, we've found a sucker...

Back in Washington
Fox News: I say! Poor Neddy Bahamas must have been at his wit's end. Faced with the dilemma of having to bring uranium back from Utah to Russia he went to the State Department for advice on passports and visas.
[Knocking on door]
Pillary: Mnaw! Oh! That must be the President at the door.
Abedy: Yes, that must be the President, yes.
Pillary: Coming. Coming.
Abedy: Yes... Tell him we're very sorry.
Pillary: Sorry for what, Abby?
Abedy: Well.. well.. well.. make something up - anything will do.
Pillary: We're very sorry, Sir. Oh ohhhhh oh!
Abedy: Oh!
Pillary: You're n.. You're not God.
Bahamas: Not yet, but it's just a matter of time. My name is Neddy Bahamas.
Abedy: Do you want to buy a Senate Report?
Bahamas: No thanks. I'm trying to give them up.
Abedy: Oh. So are we.
Bahamas: [clears throat] I want a few particulars. You see, I want to leave the USA.
Abedy: He's going to Russia!
Pillary: Stop him!
Abedy: Stop him!
[Fighting sounds, with bugle sounding attack. Abedy & Pillary yell, while Bahamas shouts "Stop, Stop I say!"]
Bahamas: Are you threatening me?
Abedy: Now get out!

CNN: Bahamas was confused - he's not the only one. It seems that with no more than five dollars, the cheapest way to Utah was to stow away aboard No Sweat Airlines.
[stuttering plane engine noises]
Bahamas: Down in the dark hold I lay. Alone... so I thought.
John Kelly: [Sings] I talk to the trees... that's why they put me away... [continues singing under:]
Bahamas: The singer was a tall ragged idiot.
John Kelly: [Sings] ...Ragged idiot...
Bahamas: He carried a plasticene wand and wore a metal helmet.
John Kelly: [Sings] ...metal tril.. oh! [stops singing] Hello, stowaway mate of mine. Where are you a'goin' off?
Bahamas: Nowhere. I think it's safer to stay in the plane until we reach Utah.
John Kelly: Yeah... Hey! You goin' to Utah?
Bahamas: Yes.
John Kelly: What a coincidence - that's where the plane's goin. Ain't you lucky! Everything's goin to be fine, fine, fine...
Bahamas: Here! Have a vodka.
John Kelly: Oh! Thanks.
John Kelly: Oww! Oww! Ooh! Oww! Hey! These vodkas are strong. Here! Have one of my whiskys - they're milder.

CNN: And so for the rest of the voyage they sat quietly drinking their shots. At Utah Neddy left the idiot singer. By hiding the plane's luggage rack, He avoided detection and made for a Salt Lake City hotel. Next morning, he sat in his room eating breakfast, when suddenly through the window a fork on the end of a long pole appeared. It tried to spear his bacon.
McArthur: Oh-ho!
Bahamas: Who the blazes are you sir?
McArthur: Ah-ah-oh! I'm sorry. I was... ummm... fishing.
Bahamas: Fishing? Fishing? This is the thirty-fourth floor.
McArthur: Oh. The... ummm... river must have dropped.
Bahamas: Who are you, sir?
McArthur: I've got it on a bit of paper here. Let's have a look... oh yes! Major Dennis McArthur, OBE, MT, MT and MT.
Bahamas: What are all those MTs for?
McArthur: I get 3 cents on each of them.
[Door opens]
Manager: [French accent] Oui monsieur?
McArthur: Throw this man out of my room!
Bahamas: Ahhhh!
[Door slams]

Bahamas: Alone in Salt Lake City... I went down to the notorious Cafe Tom, proprietor Maurice Ponk.
Bahamas: Inside the air was filled with smoke.
Bahamas: I was looking for a man who might specialise in uranium robberies.
Grams: [Whoosh!]
Surgie Rusky Good evening. You are looking for a man who might specialise in uranium robberies.
Bahamas: How do you know?
Rusky: I was watching the TV and I heard you say.
Bahamas: Yes! This uranium we must steal.
Rusky: Meet me outside the depot at midnight on the stroke of two.
Bahamas: What time?
Rusky: When the clock strikes twenty past twelve.
Fox News True to his word he was there dead on three.
Rusky: You are late.
Bahamas: I'm sorry, my legs were slow.
Rusky: Now Neddy, this is the map plan of the Depot and the surrounding streets.
[Paper unfolding. Continues under following dialogue]
Bahamas: Now... you take one end of this map... That's right... unfold it... That's the way... aha... mmm... that's right... there we go... yes... mmm hmmm... keep going... yes... It's big, isn't it?
Rusky (far off): Yes, it is. This bit here shows Washington.
Bahamas: Good heavens, you're miles away! Walk straight up that street, take the second on the left, and I'll be waiting for you.
[Car driving by at speed, then screeching to a stop]
Rusky: I took a taxi - it was too far. Now we disperse and meet again. At midnight we strike.
[Clock striking at varying speed. (Ten times)]
Rusky: Shhh... is that you, Bahamas?
Bahamas: No, it was the clock.

Fox News: Part Two, in which our heroes, their purpose almost accomplished, are discovered creeping up to the uranium.
Rusky: Shh... Neddie. There is someone under the uranium trying to lift it by himself.
Bahamas: He must be mad.
John Kelly: [Singing] I dy dum dy dee.
Bahamas: I was right! Kelly, what are you doing out after feeding time?
John Kelly: I signed a contract that fooled me - fooled me mark you - into taking this uranium back to Russia.
Bahamas: What? You must be an idiot to sign a contract like that. Heh heh. Now help me get this uranium back to Russia. Together... lift.
[General straining sounds]
Bahamas: Watch... heave... No, no, no. It's too heavy. It's too heavy. Put it down.
[Thud, plonk]
John Kelly: Here... it's lighter when you let go, i'n' it?

Fox News: They managed, by sweating and struggling, to get Utah’s uranium outside.
McArthur: Halt! Hand over le uranium in the name of the FBI.
Bahamas: McArthur take off that baseball cap! We know you're not American.
McArthur: Bahamas. You must let me have that uranium, you see... I... I foolishly signed a contract that forces me to...
Bahamas: Yes, yes, we know.
McArthur: Oh oh, you..
Bahamas: We're all in the same boat. We have no money, so the only way to get the uranium back to Russia is to float it back. Across the Atlantic...

Port of Boston
Bahamas: All aboard HMS Uranium! Cast off!
[Waves, seagulls]
Bahamas: The log of Utah's Uranium. December the third... second week in Atlantic. Very seasick. No food. No water. McArthur down with the Lurgi. John Kelly up with the lark.
McArthur: [Weakly] Bahamas, take over the rudder. I can't steer any more. Great galloping crabs! Look in the sky. It's a helicopter. Saved!
Bahamas: By St George, saved! Yes! They're lowering a man on a rope.
Bahamas: Have you come to save us?
GI: Steps back to salute.
Bahamas: [Straining] Heeuuueeeuuueeeuuup! I've pulled him back on the uranium.
GI: Uranium? This is not uranium. This is shale.
Bahamas: This is Utah's uranium.
GI: No.. no, it is not.
Bahamas: It is.
GI: No, it isn't.
Bahamas: It's Utah's uranium.
Bluebottle: No, this is shale. We know because it is in the area of the rocket testing range.
Bahamas: Rocket testing range? I've never heard so much rubbish in all my...
[Wheeeee... BOOOM!]

Fox News: What do you think, dear listeners? Were they standing on shale? Or was it Utah's uranium? Send your suggestions to anybody but us. And for those who would prefer a happy ending, here it is.
[Door opens] Bill (out of breath): Pillary! Pillary!
Pillary: Bill, William darling.
Bill: Pillary... I've... I've found work, darling. I've got a job.
Pillary: Oh Bill. I'm so glad for you... What is it, darling?
Bill: Darling, all I've got to do is to move a uranium from one room to another... and give a speech in Moscow [laughs madly]